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The Onion

The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne just unveiled "Thunder Up," a psyche-up song calculated to spur the Oklahoma City Thunder to victory. As we see here, it's hardly the first time a team has had its own anthem.

Antique Store Celebrates 750,000th 'Oh, Just Looking'

CHICAGO—Calling it a banner day for breakfast science, a team of Quaker researchers announced Wednesday that they've unlocked the oatmeal genome, and can now successfully produce the world's oldest-fashioned oatmeal.

One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade to show support for the LGBT community. What do you think?

NEW YORK—The National Basketball Association is in custody today after law enforcement officials found the professional sports league to be in possession of more than 4,800 ounces of high-potency marijuana with a street value exceeding $2 million. ...

Bufferin Sought In Series Of Pain Killings

COBB COUNTY, GA—Big-box home improvement giant the Home Depot, which has generously supported the U.S.

A southern white rhinoceros at the San Antonio Zoo made an effort not to look suicidal in front of children.

DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Company's Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious consideration to asking a cute welding robot he works with out on a date.

What Are We Failing To Pull Off

New Vikings Stadium To Forego Retractable Roof For Individual Fan Domes

Guy With Lots Of Things Wrong With Him Shows Up Enthusiastically Greeting Everyone At High School Reunion

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of ...

NEW YORK—According to a growing consensus of U.S. poets, shadows—inky sharp as a raven's beak—meet the sullen bloat of clouds, their hues a pallid loam, each a dancer, each alone, like dusty charcoal on an ashen brow. Citing both the age...

President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal of Freedom. What do you think?

God Returns From Two-Millenium-Long Vacation

Lifetime 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Just when she thought she erased the stigma of Lyme disease in her small town, Mary overhears neighbors discussing their love of ticks.

ROCKFORD, IL—Brian Patrick, 60, dragged himself into a Days Inn conference room to tell people how to achieve innovation excellence.

Hoping To Break Slump, Rickie Weeks Chewing Increasing Amounts Of Tobacco, Bubble Gum, Sunflower Seeds, Pine Tar All At Once

Dear The Onion, Last week you published a letter from me—Jim Swanson—but guess what? That wasn't me, that was my identical twin brother, Tim. Ha-ha, got you! Jim Swanson (or is it Tim?!), Minneapolis (or is it St. Paul?!), MN